Being Called

We are called at different times in life. Eventually we are called to leave this life and go on. This is a stark reminder when you receive notice that someone you know has been called. We are called in dreams and reminded of who we are. Sometimes the dreams come at an un-expected time..When you least expect them..and they have powerful messages. Your dreams show you what is happening whether you like it or not. They are honest statements from the universe. Your dreams can be devastating and or re-affirming. Listen to them. The sense that I have from them is in the highest summary or in the broadest context, the overall message or sense of what was discussed in the dream stays with me, not the details. Sometimes there are minute details that remain, little snap shots or sequences from dreams that remain afterwards..Even though I remember them they may not be clear in what information is being revealed. In these cases I let them sit and bubble within me....eventually a message comes out. I wish there was some way my dreams could be videotaped so I could go back and view them. They are interesting and multi-faceted.

Fathers

Fathers are supposed to be a few things....1.) Loving 2.)Concerned about the welfare of their children 3.)Advice givers 4.) Actively involved with the development of their children towards helping them become good citizens 5.)Accepting of decisions their children make as adults 6.)Truthful with their children at all ages 7.)Faithfully and always supportive of their children at all ages. My biological father was not truthful with me as an adult, as men, he hid many aspects of his persona from me. I found out many things about him after he died. I found the truth not due to his forethought or planning but rather thru luck. The thing I was left with after having gotten all this information was "Why did you have to conceal your real self to me?" I was your son. What I refer in this case were facts about his family of origin. The second thing was abandonment of me and my sister in his life and commitment to two other children from a different marriage. I found out some amazing things about his family and his siblings thru one of his brothers that he had dis-owned. My mother did not know the things that I uncovered and she was married to the guy. He was career military and his whole life was based on lies..he was not who he portrayed himself to be with the United States AirForce. He changed his name when he came to America...had a member of his family doctor up some papers so he could get into the service. His brother became a US citizen the right way and honorably. His whole life was based on secrets. He refused to share his life with his son because of his hysterical need to maintain the house of cards he had constructed that was his life..He could not take a chance on having the truth revealed. The truth being revealed would have turned his entire existence up side down. He would have been dis-honored and dis-enfranchised by the service because of his lies. It is very disturbing to be lied to or mis-led by your father. My father sat with me as men. We drank together, we ate together, there were quiet times when he could have opened up to me and shared his identity and life, the reasons for why he had done what he had done...I would have taken anything he told me to my grave. But he didn't. He sat with me at times looking at me talking to me, talking at me as if he had the right to be more, like he had the right of my respect, that he was wiser than I, Hell on a couple of occasions many years ago when I was in my 20's he pretty much told me that if he'd had me when I was growing up..that I would have been "more of a man" that I was less than that.He had occasions to tell the truth and he didn't. He looked me square in the eyes and I was looking at a statue, a mask that was not what was real...He knew this all the time! Well, I know a lot about him that he would rather that I didn't. He's in a white box now, inside of a display case that has his name. It is a military box for ashes and has those characteristics. It's very non-descript. Everyone around him in this quiet space has been told that he was a dis-honorable man in life. They will all know this for eternity. So while one can be dis-honest in life their truth if it becomes known after they are gone..lasts a lot longer than the years that they were alive. It only shows them as they had fought so hard to prevent..The truth is never wrong...it is just the truth.  ps: There is another man who was my real father, an honorable man who demonstrated all the qualities I listed at the beginning of this rant...I hope that I am able to do the same for my children...for sure...I will never lie to them.

Between The Worlds

I recently had the opportunity to attend a ritual involving the use of storytelling to describe the stories we have and Shamanistic ritual practices. There was also a small group of musicians who provided a Soundtrack of sorts as the discussions of stories we have and those we want to have, transpired. The music was to serve as a backdrop in the way that movie soundtracks assist Marquee movies...present but not necessarily noticeable if effective...simply adding to the emotion of what is intended in describing something. The music was to assist the members of the collective in living their own stories in the moment...I hope we were effective in doing this..The sense I had of what we were provinding musically was to move the attendees...they were moving...in the groove of the music that was happening on the spot..via improv. The director asked questions of the group and would interact with the attendees to bring out more of a story as needed for the benefit of the group...He also set up the process very effectively, taking us from the daily world we walked in with, to being present in between earth and the cosmos. He very effectively and gently brought us back to normal time at the conclusion of the ceremony. People shared their ideas and comments freely and danced when it was appropriate..The musicians used Jazz standards to represent the 4 elements at key moments in the process...Earth, Water, Fire and Air. I was affected in many ways by meeting the facilitator over the course of a few weeks, being in his presence always left me affected when I would go away from him...Don't know what that was all about...I very much enjoyed being in the space between earth and the cosmos..Magical things happen there. 

Homage to "Augie"

This post is to recognize and commemorate a great teacher. August Heilbron was the cello teacher that had the greatest impact on me as a cellist and as an imerging man. August was an amazing cellist who could take any piece of music and make it sound exquisite. Even practice book exercises were like listening to master compositions when he played them. It was in listening to him that I came to understand what a cello should sound like and what a "real" player can do. Technically he demanded that I learn to "count" which is the basis for all musical endeavors..it wasn't just counting the metering of a piece...it was more of what notes are presented and what is their impact or requirements within a given measure or piece. I was not that good at "counting" I was muddle headed and in some cases not able to do it...But I learned enough during our years together to be able to do it when I have needed to at times in my musical life. It's always been when I have been under severe pressure to do it...that somewhere deep inside this ability comes up and enables me to do it. Augie also instructed me in the position of the cello and the body, holding the bow, the characteristics of up and down bowings to acheive fluidity of sound..Again, he was a master of bow control and sound production. His belief was always make the cello sing...play out...let the big sound be heard. He instructed me in the use of fingerings for passages and different playing styles. Fingerings are essential to playing difficult or complex music..you simply cant do it unless you have good fingerings. Augie was a gentle task master...He would strive to get what he needed but he had a way of expressing himself that made you feel like he cared about you even though you weren't providing what was needed. His verbal communication skills were crystal clear, the result of a very sharp mind and experience. Augie taught me discipline in my music which carried over into all aspects of my life. I am using discipline to refer to the ability that one must have to be methodical in approaching a problem, analytical, self driven, able to understand the ramifications at hand of any situation and the ability to develop a plan of attack and methodology for overcoming or addressing an issue that one faces. It's the ability to be self sufficient in all circumstances in problem solving. Performing pieces for competitions and playing in Reno with the Reno Phil gave me exposure to performance under duress or pressure another skill that has served me well in my life. Thank you Augie for your presence and affect in my life. I am able to be the cellist who I am today because of you. I have always thought in difficult or challenging music times about you. I have always strived to play and perform in a way that you would be proud of.  

2012... The shift...deciding what works for you and maintaining your connection to Antryamin

As you have heard 2012 is a special year for many reasons..Spiritually the planet is going thru a shift where humans have a chance to participate in a movement of self awareness and new respect for their fellow planet dwellers.
There are many articles available from different perspectives on what is taking place in 2012. You can find one that rings true for you and will help you as you navigate thru this important period. I will not recommend or list the events here about which is truest. Beliefs are highly personal and you must decide what shifts you believe in. Coming from a clear place of spiritual being is important as we all contribute what is occuring. Connection to the Divine is important as you move forward. I have some ideas about our connection to the divine that were taken from an teleconference I participated in on 1/4/12.

1. Connection with the divine is not a mental exercise, you have to feel it in your core and desire a connection with it that originates from the very heart of your personal desire...at the very heart of your being.

2. It is normal that your connection with the divine will vary in strength and closeness.

3. Avatars (Jesus, Buddha, Vishnu, Amabhagavan)are the embodiment of the divine that we can relate to as humans. They are the Antryamin(what they all represent as a group, the All that is)...a formula applies here Antryamin=Avatar=(insert yours).

4. The Avatars re-establish your connection to the Divine. Their teachings
help you to get to know your antryamin.

5. All internal transformation comes from Grace.

6. You can't think yourself into connection with the Divine...You need Grace

7. You can re-establish your connection with Grace, The Antryamin, your
Avatar at any time.

8. Don't punish yourself or be self critical because your connection ebbs and flows.